How the Apocalypse Actually Ended
by Whispers in the Void
Summary: Gabriel faces down Lucifer in the Elysian Hotel...and gives him a Pepsi Max. ("Yo, Meg, I'm calling off the Apocalypse...") And so it was that a single can of pop saved the world. (One-shot. Complete. Crack. Contains Winchesters, archangels, and references to real events in regards to what the cast of SPN have gotten up to.)


**A/N: Apparently, the muses live in YouTube *shrugs* As I stated in the authors note on the latest chapter of 'The Adventures of LokiClan', we (Phantom and I, plus her sister) had recently watched 'Gabriel's Tales from Beyond' by LeahSora on said channel of muses, which is a collection of Richard Speight Jr.'s Pepsi Max commercials seen through the eyes of Supernatural fans everywhere. Said video inspired me to write this little one-shot about what Gabriel might've done to avert the Apocalypse. Also, a series of other videos staring these actors is what inspired the rest; seriously, most of this stuff actually exists (so if anyone is offended, take it up with the actors). **  
**Warnings: T for possible crack, (hopefully) humor, some minor swears (Dean! And Raphael).**  
**Disclaimer: Supernatural belongs to Kripke Enterprises (I think! Don't sue me if I'm wrong!), Pepsi Max belongs to...Pepsi? And presumably, the various actors that inspired this fic own their actions. I own nothing!**

-)()()()(-

Gabriel kept his sword pointed at Lucifer as Sam and Dean hurried out of the room with Kali. Lucifer, looking surprisingly human in his green T-shirt, gray over-shirt, and blue jeans, kept his hands up even as he stared at his brother with disbelieving frost-colored eyes.  
"Over a *girl*, Gabriel...really? I mean, I knew you were slumming, but-"  
Gabriel raised an eyebrow. "What, Kali? Nah, she's fun and all, but I'm really doing it because of...this!"  
With a snap of his fingers, the golden-eyed archangel-turned-trickster changed into a pair of dark slacks, a blue button-up short-sleeve over a white T-shirt, with a black hat pulled low over his golden-brown hair. A can glowing with a celestial light now sat in his palm instead of his blade; the white and red words of 'Pepsi Max' shone out at Lucifer, who stared at it, mesmerized.  
"Wha...?"  
"This, my brother, is Pepsi Max. Zero calories, maximum taste!" Popping the tab, Gabriel handed the can over with a short bow. "If you still want to end the world after drinking that, I won't get in your way."  
Lucifer stared at Gabriel before carefully grabbing the can, his frozen Grace instantly chilling it. 'What sort of trickery is this?' He wondered, before taking a tentative sip.  
Lucifer's pale eyes popped wide open, pupils dilating as a choir of angels sung in the background (Gabriel shooed them out with a threatening wave of his fingers). The Fallen archangels' shattered ice-white feathers healed in an instant, six massive wings filling the room as his vessel healed. "Brother! This is...this is..." Lucifer shook his head, fumbling his brand new cell phone out of his jeans and flipping it open. "Yo, Meg, call off the Apocalypse. Yes, I said call it off. No, I don't care - cut the rings off their stupid fingers if they won't give them back, and schedule Death a paid vacation. Oh, and get Crowley on the pay roll; I need somebody in sales...yeah, uh-huh, get him to start organizing things, I want Pepsi Max under my thumb by the time I hang up. No, no, no! Don't kill them! Who in Hell else would make it? If the flavor changes one molecule, I'll know who to come after...yep, soda for everyone! Ok, buh-bye now."  
Gabriel snapped himself up his own can, frowning at the warm metal before holding it out to Lucifer. "Bro?"  
Lucifer wrapped a hand around the can, chilling it, before toasting his brother. "Bottoms up!"

-(-)-

Dean tapped his fingers anxiously against the steering wheel. Kali had vanished a while ago, and now he and Sam where just driving, putting as many miles between them and the Devil as they could before dropping dead from exhaustion. The Hunter couldn't help but feel a bit guilty about Gabriel; he may've been a dick, but he stood up in the end, and that was what counted in Dean's book. He knew Sammy felt the same, despite those endless Tuesdays, and the older brother had already had to fend off several suggestions of 'going back and just...checking?' on the guy. Or rather, on his corpse. 'Poor bastard.'  
"Aw, Dean-o, I'm touched!"  
"The fu-"  
The Impala screeched to a halt in the middle of the empty road, sending swirls through the creeping fog. An owl hooted ominously.  
Dean and Sam whirled around to gape into the back-seat - or, more accurately, at the two archangels sprawled across said seat. The Hunters were practically having seizures trying to process the sight of Gabriel and Lucifer, both wearing cow-boy hats and sipping on Pepsi Max, and most definitely not killing each other.  
"Damn it, Gabe-"  
"Gabe! I want a nick-name too." Lucifer pouted. "You already have a name that is Nick." Gabriel pointed out with a snicker, gesturing towards Lucifer's vessel.  
"What the fuck is going on?!" Dean shrieked as Lucifer high-fived Gabriel.  
"What's going on my dynamic duo, is that the Apocalypse has been called off!"  
The Impala screeched to a halt. Again. Even though it wasn't moving. The point is, there was a dramatic moment.  
Sam blinked at Lucifer. "Why aren't you killing us?"  
Lucifer slapped a palm over his chest. "Straight to the heart. I've told you Sam, you're special. And besides, why in Heaven would I want to destroy Earth? Where would I get my fix?" He thrust the Pepsi Max can into the Hunters' face. "And why didn't you tell me about this glorious ambrosia sooner?! I wouldn't have fallen at all if I knew about it!"  
"I'm pretty sure they didn't have pop in the time of the dinosaurs." Dean pointed out in a daze.  
"So says you." Gabriel scoffed. "Let's go do some-"  
"What about Michael?" Sam asked carefully, watching as the two archangels froze in place (almost literally, in Lucifer's case).  
"Uh...be right back."  
The two vanished with a rustle of feathers, and for a moment, the brothers thought they saw six golden and six pure white wings flash past.

-(-)-

The two appeared before Michael, in Heaven - their older brother was currently wearing an aged-up version of Adam Winchester.  
Raphael's eyes almost popped out of his vessel when he saw them, and Gabriel had to turn part of the floor into fudge to keep several other angels from attacking.  
"Whoa! That's no way to treat your long-lost brothers!"  
"What are you doing here?"  
The creepily synchronized question echoed throughout Heaven, Earth, Hell and Purgatory, catching the freaked out attention of Metatron ("No! This is not how it's supposed to go! NOOO!) and the fascination of the suddenly restored Castiel, who had instantly rejoined the Winchesters and was narrating for them after healing Bobby.  
Gabriel summoned two cans of Pepsi Max and handed them to Lucifer, who chilled them and popped the tabs. "I called off the Apocalypse." Formerly-Satan explained, handing the two cans over. "And it's all thanks to this right here. As Gabriel said to me, if you still want to follow 'The Plan' after drinking that, I won't stop you."  
Raphael growled, swatting the can out of Lucifer's hand. A gasp of horror rang out around Heaven, and Balthazar appeared with a rustle of dusky gray wings in time to catch the can, twisting in such a way that not a single drop of liquid spilled. A sigh of relief went through the Heavenly choir.

-[-

In the Impala, Castiel fist-pumped.  
"What is with the Pepsi Max?" Sam wondered. Castiel stared at the brothers with shocked blue eyes.  
"It...it's the best thing in creation! Why did you think I was willing to fall for you? For Earth? It's all because of Pepsi Max and it's glorious, fizzy taste!"

-]-

Michael blinked, peering down at his own can as Balthazar wacked Raphael on the back of the head before shoving the can back in his hands with a warning glare.  
Ever-so-slowly, the black-winged warrior took a small sip. A moment passed while Heaven held it's breath, several angels (including Naomi) passing out from the effort. In an instant, Michael downed the can in one gulp before shattering it against the floor.  
"ANOTHER!"  
Raphael stared in horror. "Michael, no-"  
"YOU DARE?! Who is the head archangel?! That's right, me! Now drink that before I do!"  
Gulping, Raphael downed the still-cold drink. There was a moment in which a demon in Hell could've heard a feather fall in Heaven, and then Raphael let out the worlds biggest burp. "That is some serious shizzle right thare."  
Gabriel and Lucifer fan-girl-squeed as Raphael's electricity-tinged steel-gray feathers puffed out, and the four archangels shouted: "Any angels who have not yet tasted Pepsi Max, come forth!"  
Gabriel wiped his eyes sorrowfully when all but Castiel, Balthazar, Anael (she wasn't actually smote so much as locked in a room with the song 'Barbie Girl' stuck on repeat), Samandriel, and Eon appeared before them.  
"Oh brother." Weeped Lucifer, flaring his Grace to chill the multitude of cans Gabriel was snapping into existence. "What have we done? How could Heaven have fallen so far? ...And more importantly, what other tasty treats have humans made?"  
Michael and Raphael turned towards Gabriel with pleading puppy dog eyes, and the pseudo-Trickster snapped his fingers.  
"I give you...SKITTLES!"

-(-)-

They opened a bar.  
The Balance was open to all and any Supernatural creatures, Hunters, and other humans 'in the know'. There were archangel-powered wards that kept the patrons from killing each other, and wards that suppressed the more ravenous hungers, and so The Balance was quickly a popular Supernatural hotspot. That it was frequented by all four archangels, the Alphas, most Hunters, top demons and witches and Prophets, meant that it caught the attention of the vanilla-flavored humans as well. Of course, since only those 'in the know' could get in, the bar-by-night, coffee-shop-by-day (Lucifer was addicted) became the most elite place in the world practically overnight.  
A month after it opened, Dean and Sam got an invitation signed by all four archangels.

-[-

"Hello, my favorite bros! How goes it? Glad to see you haven't died recently. I'm sure you've heard down the grape-vine that the Apocalypse was officially called off, and so to celebrate, we invite you to our bar! A little birdy told me your secret Dean. Yes, we know all about your habit...of singing karaoke! Sincerest loves, Loki/Trickster/Gabriel.

Hey, wanted to apologize for trying to trick you into saying 'Yes' Sammy, so you can consider your tab on me. I'm not really good with writing letters, so...no hard feelings? Signed, Lucifer the Morningstar.

Greetings, Dean. I also apologize for being rather...rough, in trying to obtain a 'Yes', and also for manipulating you with the various deaths of family members. To repay my debt, I insured that your mother and father found their way to Heaven (turns out, they stopped by Purgatory in order to hunt the souls of monsters. Typical Winchesters). Also, Adam's soul is in Heaven as well, though he gave me permission to continue using his body, which I have taken the liberty of aging. For some reason, Gabriel wishes to inform you that one of the acts we will be doing the night you visit will include my acting out a few scenes in some book called 'Fifty Shades of Gray'. For some reason, every time I say this, Balthazar and Gabriel dissolve into giggles. I can only pray to Father it's nothing too bad...see you soon and God be with you - Michael.

Yo, my brothers! Ima looking forward to performing for my peeps. Ya'll better hurry your ass' up, ya here? Got me some girlz by the name of Ellen and Jo that wanna give ya'll the high to the five. Later, bitches! Raphael, rapper of Heaven."

-]-

"...Did I read that right?" Sam wondered while Dean just stared. "Guess we'll find out." Dean finally replied with a shudder.

-(-)-

Gabriel waved to the Winchesters as they settled at a table not far from the stage.  
"Welcome back to The Balance! Tonight, before we begin, a message from the archangel Raphael!"  
Gabriel vanished from the stage with a flutter of wings as the lights lowered, fog creeping out. Raphael appeared with a handful of back-up angels as a beat started up.  
"I'm up to my knees in zero calories  
Pepsi to the Max, so lets drink all of these!"  
With a snap, a can of Pepsi Max appeared in each of the patrons hands, and there was an explosive cheer. Raphael gave a bow before fluttering over to the bar, settling on a stool and instantly piled by fan-girls.  
Gabriel reappeared on stage with a smirk and a wink to the Winchesters. "I have with me, right now, the archangel Michael!"  
A cheer went up as the jeans-and-T-shirt clad man strode onto the stage, waving at the crowd with a thousand-watt smile.  
Gabriel sent a shark-like grin at the Hunters as he settled into one of the two chairs that were on stage, picking up the book and flashing it's cover at the crowd. The ensuing shrieks had the glass rattling. "I, shall read a small piece from the book 'Fifty Shades of Gray'! And dear Michael, will act them out."  
There was a round of spit-takes. Fortunately, there were wards set up for those too.  
Michael looked briefly worried as he stood next to Gabriel.  
Fortunately for all sane minds, the older angel got a peek at the pages as Gabriel flipped them open.  
"Gabriel!" He shrieked. "I am NOT DOING THAT!"  
Gabriel fell off his chair in a fit of laughter as Michael smote the book to accompanying cheers from most of the patrons.  
"Aw, don't be mad Mikey! It was just payback for the thing with the Twix." Gabriel assured his brother. A thoughtful look crossed Michael's face before he nodded and moved off the stage to sit at a random table.  
"Now I wanna know what happened with the Twix." Dean mused.  
"And now I want brain-bleach." Sam gagged. Dean made a face. "Sammy!"  
Gabriel picked himself up before clearing his throat. "For our real act tonight, the archangel Lucifer kicking off the karaoke!"  
Lucifer strode out onstage in black jeans and black T-shirt, and all the girls in the room instantly started clapping.  
'WTF?' was clearly seen on all the Hunters' faces, even as Lucifer waved with one hand; the other was occupied by a glass of scotch.  
"Tonight, I will be singing for you...Big Balls!"  
The Winchesters' faces' got intimately familiar with their table that night.

-(-)-

Chuck saved the file with a chuckle. 'Now that's something I'd like to see,' he mused, before turning his head with a smile. "Hello Metatron."  
He greeted calmly. The portly little scribe blinked in surprise, puffing up slightly with pride. "You've heard of me, Prophet?"  
"Oh, you could say that." Chuck hummed, sipping from a glass.  
"Excellent, that saves me the trouble of introductions. Now, as I'm sure you know, the Apocalypse was called off. But the thing is, the last thing I want is for those stuck-up archangels to get their happy ending, so-"  
"Metatron, have you learned nothing over these past few centuries?" Chuck asked with no small amount of disappointment.  
The scribe squinted at the Prophet, before his eyes widened in horror.  
"Oh, god."  
"Exactly. Now, how about we go and see if Gadreel would like to let you borrow his cell, hmm?"

-)()()()(-

The End


End file.
